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Stop Telling Yourself to "Be Reasonable": Reclaiming Your Own Voice.
How many dreams have been downsized because someone told you to be reasonable?
Two little words be reasonable can carry decades of other people’s limits. Maybe you first heard them from loving (but worried) parents. Later from teachers, clergy, bosses, partners, even friends. Each time, the message was clear: shrink the dream, adjust the ask, dial yourself down to fit what they believe is possible, appropriate, or comfortable.
The problem? Reasonable to them isn’t always reasonable to you.
This piece is a refresh of something I wrote two years ago, when I was just beginning to notice how often I’d internalized voices that weren’t mine. I’m rewriting it now with more clarity, more compassion, and more practical ways to reclaim your own inner authority without tossing all wisdom or community feedback out the window. We’re not rebelling for rebellion’s sake; we’re choosing alignment over automatic compliance.
Reasoning vs. Reasonable (Yes, There’s a Difference)
Reasoning is the process - gathering facts, weighing options, thinking critically, checking in with values, reality, and consequences.
Reasonable is a judgment call -a social label slapped on an action, request, goal, or identity: That’s reasonable. That’s not.
The trouble shows up when the label “reasonable” gets weaponized as shorthand for Stay within my comfort zone or don’t make waves or please don’t force me to see what’s possible.
A Quick Definition Check
Merriam-Webster defines reasonable as: being in accordance with reason; also, fair; moderate; not extreme.
Notice the landmines:
Moderate – Great for salt intake. Not so great for desire, creativity, or justice.
Fair – Fair to whom? Power dynamics matter.
In accordance with reason – According to whose reasoning? Data? Fear? Tradition? Profit margin?
When we don’t slow down to ask, the default definition becomes whatever the authority figure thinks. That’s how we start shrinking.
Micro-Moments of Shrinking: How "Be Reasonable" Trains Us Small
We rarely abandon our big selves in one dramatic moment. It happens through a thousand micro-corrections:
| Age/Stage | You Wanted | You Heard | What You Learned |
|---|---|---|---|
| Kid | Be an astronaut. | "Be reasonable just get good grades and a safe job." | Big dreams are unrealistic; security > possibility. |
| Teen | Wear what expresses you. | "Be reasonable; people will talk." | Belonging requires blending. |
| Employee | Ask for the raise you earned. | "Be reasonable I pay you well; maybe later." | Your value is decided by others; wait your turn. |
| Adult Self | Start the business / change careers / move / heal. | "Be reasonable now’s not the time." | Comfort zones outrank calling. |
Each time we comply, we reinforce a silent contract: My worth, choices, and future must fit within someone else’s margins. Over time this erodes self-trust, fuels low self-esteem, and breeds chronic stuckness.
What Gets Costed Out When We Shrink
Let’s be blunt: playing small is expensive.
You pay in:
Self-worth: If others always hold the measuring stick, you never learn to hold your own.
Voice: You hesitate, edit, second-guess. Eventually you stop speaking up.
Possibility: Dreams get deferred so long they calcify into regret.
Energy + Joy: Living misaligned is exhausting; joy leaks out through compliance cracks.
And no, pushing back on “be reasonable” doesn’t mean becoming reckless. It means switching from externally policed moderation to internally aligned discernment.
Reframe: Be Reasonable with Yourself
What if be reasonable became an invitation to check in with your real data—your values, capacity, resources, season of life, desire, and non‑negotiables?
Being reasonable with yourself might look like:
Honoring a big, wild vision and mapping the next doable step.
Asking for compensation aligned with impact, not just precedent.
Letting yourself start messy rather than waiting for "someday."
Setting boundaries that protect your energy even if others call them dramatic.
7 Practice Shifts to Reclaim Your Own Reason
Below are grounded, real‑life practices you can start now. Pick one. Momentum beats perfection.
1. Catch the Phrase in the Wild
Any time you hear (or think) be reasonable, pause. Whose comfort is being protected? Write it down.
2. Run the Alignment Scan
Ask: Does this decision align with my values, needs, timing, and desired future? If yes, proceed. If no, revise. If mixed, negotiate.
3. Separate Facts from Opinions
“I pay you well” is an opinion. Compare it to market data, role scope, and measurable results.
4. Renegotiate Old Internalized Voices
Journal prompt: Whose voice am I hearing right now? Do I still choose to follow it? Rewrite that script in your own words.
5. Practice a Stretch Ask
Once a week, make one request that feels 10% bolder than your default—price, help, time, visibility. Track outcomes. Confidence compounds.
6. Build a Reason-Check Circle (Not a Permission Panel)
Choose 2–3 people who challenge you to think bigger and smarter. Share dreams with them—not with chronic minimizers.
7. Celebrate Non‑Compliance Wins
Each time you act from inner truth (even if messy), record it. Evidence rebuilds self‑trust.
My Story: From Other People’s Voices to My Own
For years I let inherited voices run the show. I filtered dreams through other people’s fears. I stayed small to be palatable. I said yes when my body screamed no. Sound familiar?
That was the old me.
The new me still listens but selectively. I’ll take wisdom, not containment. I choose peace when it serves integrity, and I’ll engage a little holy drama when it protects what matters. I’m willing to fall on my face learning new things because they’re my things. My joy, my work, my path: no longer outsourced.
And here’s the shift that stuck I stopped letting someone else’s passing opinion become my permanent truth.
Quick Reflection: Where Are You Playing Small?
Grab a notebook (or the Notes app). Answer honestly:
What dream have you shelved because it wasn’t "reasonable"?
Whose approval are you still chasing?
Where are you under‑asking (time, money, support)?
What one action would feel like reclaiming your voice this week?
Gentle Next Steps (Pick One This Week)
☐ Name It: Tell one trusted person the thing you actually want.
☐ Move It: Block 30 minutes to take the first micro‑action (research, email, sketch, apply).
☐ Value It: Price your time/skills for a new offer at a number that stretches you but still feels aligned.
☐ Protect It: Say no to one request that drains you.
Let’s stop shrinking. Let’s build lives that make sense to the people who have to live them, us.
Disclaimer
I’m not a doctor, therapist, or financial advisor. Nothing here replaces professional advice. Use what resonates; get qualified support where needed. Be boldly, compassionately responsible for your own decisions.
Your turn: Drop a comment (or message me) and tell me one area where you’re done being “reasonable.” Let’s cheer you on.
