Growing Through Loss: How to Make the Hole Smaller

 You Get Bigger, the Hole Gets Smaller

Last night, I heard this statement during the Charlie Kirk memorial (I believe it was JFK Jr. who said it). It was originally spoken about losing someone to death. But when I heard it, it struck me deeply, because I realized it applies to any kind of loss.

Loss doesn’t always mean death. Sometimes it’s the loss of a beloved pet. Sometimes it’s the heartbreak of mourning someone who is still alive but no longer part of your life.

The truth is this: you never truly forget. The pain never entirely disappears. But the hole in your heart does get smaller as you get bigger.

Growing Through Loss

I’ve always wanted to be someone who grows, who learns, who stretches beyond limitations. Over the years, I’ve lost people I love both to death and to broken relationships.

And yet, through it all, my constant has been asking myself:

• What can I do to be better?

• What can I give better?

• What can I learn from this?

Not for others. Not to check boxes or perform healing. But for me. Because I owe myself that. Sometimes the loudest apology you’ll ever give is not to someone else but to yourself.

Making the Hole Smaller

The only way the hole in your heart shrinks is if you become bigger than it. That doesn’t mean pretending it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean ignoring your grief. It means allowing yourself to grow in the midst of it. We mourn. We ache. We replay what we wish had been different. But death and loss are realities of life. People and things move on sometimes with us, sometimes without us.

The question becomes: What will you do with the pain left behind?

Grieving Without Losing Yourself

To get bigger, you process. You learn. And you refuse to let life beat you.

There’s a difference between grief and mourning. Grief acknowledges what has been lost. Mourning expresses it. But neither should consume your entire identity.

It’s easy to drown in guilt...I should have said more, done more, given more. But none of that can change the past. What you can do is look at your life honestly:

• See where you fell short.

• Recognize patterns that no longer serve you.

• Decide how you’ll live differently moving forward.

This is how you grow. This is how the hole gets smaller.

The Overlooked Answer: Self-Love

The answer is deceptively simple: self-love.

But in our rushed world, it’s the part we skip.

We wear so many hats, mom, wife, employee, caretaker. We twist ourselves into pretzels trying to meet every role and every expectation. And in the process, we quietly lose ourselves. We change our bodies, our clothes, our hair, thinking it will help us “feel human.” But what we’re really doing is covering up the fact that we don’t even know who we are anymore.

Reclaiming Yourself

One of the hardest things you’ll ever do, especially as a woman, is to step out of those roles and see yourself clearly again. But it’s worth it.

When the labels fall away, when you stop tolerating what diminishes you, you begin to see the real you. And when you do, you’ll start demanding change.

Some people will embrace your growth. Others will resist it. And the ones who resist? They were never truly rooting for you. They were only cheering for what they could gain from you.

It’s hard to see. Sometimes it’s painful. But it’s also freeing.

Getting Bigger Starts Within

If you want the hole in your heart to get smaller, you must get bigger. Not from external validation. Not from applause. But from within.

It begins with how you see yourself.
It begins with what you truly want, not what others expect.
It begins when you start living from your own moral compass, not society’s shifting standards.

If you carry nothing else from this, carry this truth:

You are precious and honored in God’s eyes. Some days, that truth alone has to be enough.

Reflection Questions for You

1. Where in your life are you still carrying a hole of loss?
2. What would it look like for you to “get bigger” in that area?
3. Where have you neglected yourself by twisting into roles for others?
4. What step of self-love can you commit to today?

My reflection questions are a great way to see where you are in your journey and where you need to be. They are meant to see where you are still staying stuck and hopefully give you the faith to move forward.